There is a feeling of being increasingly frustrated with the practices-especially those where I listen to the CD guidance. Last night my back ached from the posture and at the end I was irritable with the pace and saw the guidance as interruptions. I also find the written guidance overbearing. I think that mindfulness is something I need to discover for myself. I need to be set in the right direction and then left to it. I don't think it can be explained or taught.
It has also been difficult as I find focusing on how I am feeling to be difficult. Just being aware of depression and anxiety leaves me feeling despairing as is focusing on it frequently. I think I can 'check in' with myself, acknowledge it with kindness, speak to the the double arrows and then I add a final step. I bring it before God. Not sure how I do this.
So I am going off road. Using my curiosity to explore the possibilities. As Fr Alan suggested when I spoke to him about meditation—'Just do it.' Forget about reading the manual and jump in...