Wednesday, November 19, 2014
There are many guests who come to my mindfulness house. Fear, a hastening heart, despair, sadness, and anxiety visit often but what I realized today is there is one who thankfully never leaves. I may not always acknowledge him but God is always there too. He sits with me and my guests.
Sunday, November 09, 2014
I am a child when it comes to mindfulness and that is a very freeing thought.
After 6 weeks of practice I have learned to sometimes sit with my hands palms up. I am open to what I experience while meditating, be it pleasant or unpleasant.
Wonder if I can do that with each moment of my day.
Thursday, November 06, 2014
Some days I find it very hard to 'sit' with my feelings during meditation. I acknowledge them and then sit very uncomfortably with them during the periods of meditation. Yesterday they were manic feelings—I nicknamed the hastening heart-the flitty 'doing mode' that I picture as what a hummingbird may feel like. There are two modes on those days- going wildly fast and dead stop. Another one I find hard to sit with is feelings of disappoint with myself – the shroud.
I am writing today about my feelings during yesterday's meditation and the interesting thing is I can look back at those feelings. Yesterday and they seemed overwhelming and consuming. Today I see them for what they are—passing trains.
Tuesday, November 04, 2014
What is mindfulness?
Being/living in this moment (before God).
The present is a gift.
The present is a gift.
Taste and See the goodness of the Lord.
In pleasant experiences, it is being fully present to now and being able to savour it (I find a sense of deep gratitude follows).
In unpleasant experiences, it is being fully with the moment (grounded and coming to the breath) recognizing second arrows. The intent is to know it with kindness to ourselves (and be with it in God's presence).
In the mundane, being fully present and in doing this I recognize the miracle that is this moment.
The irony of this post is that I am trying to capture it in writing it down. Last post I was being critical at the teachers/guides trying to do just that. It can not be caught-only glimpsed.
There is a feeling of being increasingly frustrated with the practices-especially those where I listen to the CD guidance. Last night my back ached from the posture and at the end I was irritable with the pace and saw the guidance as interruptions. I also find the written guidance overbearing. I think that mindfulness is something I need to discover for myself. I need to be set in the right direction and then left to it. I don't think it can be explained or taught.
It has also been difficult as I find focusing on how I am feeling to be difficult. Just being aware of depression and anxiety leaves me feeling despairing as is focusing on it frequently. I think I can 'check in' with myself, acknowledge it with kindness, speak to the the double arrows and then I add a final step. I bring it before God. Not sure how I do this.
So I am going off road. Using my curiosity to explore the possibilities. As Fr Alan suggested when I spoke to him about meditation—'Just do it.' Forget about reading the manual and jump in...
Feeling sad and discouraged after meditating. I have been with my feelings and thoughts and worries. I have sat with them, accepted them, breathed with them and into them and sat with each breath – each moment. I am left with grief. I am not feeling refreshed or renewed but weary.
Then the secondary arrows—guilt over my self pity and despair. Forgive me Lord—you have given me so much and my burdens are not as heavy as others. The feeling of wanting to run away and that my life should not be like this right now... Being torn between letting go of my kids and picking them up and all the holding of breath in between. Breathing and acknowledging all this.
Need to face the day.
Like Eamonn's experience last week. My meditation has been my unpleasant event.
A reminder that meditation is not an escape and neither is offering it to God. 'Climb every mountain' comes to mind.
Oct 25, 2014
The beginning of the fourth week of mindfulness. Thoughts from last nights session on sitting meditation:
- Remember the practice with the raisin--now taste the breath
- Ride the breath as if you are in a dingy-up and down on the waves
- Be in each moment of the sitting meditation. It is not
-can I do 30 min.--it is this moment
Buddha's double arrow. First arrow-an unpleasant event. Second arrow- our interpretation (thoughts) and reactions (feelings). We can recognize our second arrow and perhaps in recognizing it prevent it from compounding the unpleasantness. We then are free to be with the first arrow, grounded by our breathing practice. I can go a step further and speak to God on it. My breathing leads me to a place where I can 'be' before God with it.