October 24, 2014

I came home last night from work very tired. The day ended with answering tricky emails and problems that I currently can not solve. It all seems to get very complicated and I think I am missing something. Life must be more simple then this. 

So I came home very late to a very busy household and instantly was disappointed no one had started dinner. Disappointed again that at this point there would be no quiet dinner by the light of my Diwali candle. I was gently ushered off by my loving husband to do my mindfulness. He knew I was on a downward spiral. I was due to practice mindful movement but the room was messy and lights seemed glaring. This felt like more work.

So I turned off the lights (that way I couldn't see the untidiness). I lit my Diwali candle and it shined in the darkness. I remembered the card that had come with it that said 'Celebrate Life'. I did a moments meditation giving away my concerns from the day. Then I did my mindful movement.

It was still hard but somehow the candlelit space that had been carved out made it possible and then I rejoined the full house rather then feeling a need to challenge it. For now I think my practice requires a carved out physical space. I can imagine that eventually that won't be the case. I suspect 'the space' is really within me. But for now having it outside helps me be with the inside.

Oct 23,2014

Ok...OK..So I admit that I have a hidden intent. I want inner peace – like Kung Fu Panda but getting there is a real drag because I am not supposed to be going anywhere. And on top of that I have to 'be with' myself and there are somethings I don't like much about me. So I am stuck with 'being' with someone I don't always like...Hmm

My unpleasant events diary this week:

I tend to turn most negative events in my day on their head and reinvent them as positive so this has been difficult. I am finding I am not necessarily a positive person but can't stand the thought of living negatively so I make a choice to put a positive twist on events. Am I escaping – maybe. I think mindfulness is teaching me to be with the disappointment first before choosing a path.

One of my unpleasant events yesterday was driving home – as I just wanted to be home and was tired and cranky after working and getting out later then I hoped. I realized that the event itself was not unpleasant – it was my feelings and thoughts that made it that way.

I think that maybe I just learned two more mindfulness lessons. This mindfulness stuff is hard work.

A mindfulness diary

Oct 22, 2014

Ok. So 3.5 weeks into the mindfulness course and what I feel is lost. So perhaps recording my thoughts each day will help me make sense of the experience.

I feel like yesterday and today I am enduring life. I hit the snooze alarm multiple times until I am late. I get up physically aching and tired. I list that as my unpleasant experience of my day. I have so much to feel thankful for that I feel guilty being depressed and numb but that is what I am. I am in flight mode all the time and it takes energy to keep that in check.

Where does mindfulness fit into all this. I am not sure. I empty my mind to do the exercises and it feels like I am stuck in emptiness. No penny dropping yet.

Although that is unfair. I know two things about mindfulness:

• It is not an escape-it is an act of not running away—it is an embracing of the very feelings I want to avoid
  
  
• 'to be before God' is my intent

Why do I still feel so crap? A beautiful world awaits. One full of possibilities and I want to crawl back under my duvet or run away to 'someplace beautiful'. Maybe the some place beautiful is....feels just out of reach.